Wednesday, 18 March 2015

To Everyone Who Comments on my Glasses

Hey, what up home-dog? Do you understand the role glasses play in my life?

I NEED them to SEE.

Just so we're on the same page.

When you compliment me on my vision enhancers, saying they look great, thank you, it makes me feel great by the mere association to the Benjamin Franklin technology that obnoxiously rests on my face. 

However, this isn't an invitation to take them off of my face so you can try them on. I can't begin to explain the moment of sheer panic when your vision is inexplicably SWIPED from you and you plunge into a blurry world of animated smudges and despair. The closest experience you can relate it to is probably your own birth. Imagine your birth; you descended the dark cavern out of your mother, the fruit of your parents' labour, forced into a new and terrifying world. You are confused, everything was so clear and simple and now everything is different and wrong and there's a whining voice, you can't quite locate it, asking, 'do I suit glasses?'

Why are you even asking me if you 'suit' my glasses? Are we not clear on the purpose of spectacles? Bitch, I CAN'T FUCKING SEE. You probably look shit though.

'How you doing Harry?', 'you're a wizard!' and any other Harry Potter analogy is great. Yeah, that allusion to the Chosen One is hilarious and you're definitely the first person to have said it to me. I'm surprised you could think of such a FUCKING INTELLIGENT joke. The ONLY similarity we have is our impaired vision, I mean, I'm a Slytherin. Still, REALLY FUCKING FUNNY.

And why is it assumed that I'm some 'super nerdy guy' who, according to too many creepy old men I've served at work, 'probably get's wild *insert creepy wink*'? I'm actually a really laid-back motherfucker who is most likely found by himself, in his natural habitat: in bed, binge watching Netflix, eating junk food and drinking vodka. HATE to ruin the illusion but it's not my fault you created some weird stereotyped category for me that you can fantasise over. I'm sure you'll still go home and wank about it though.

To conclude: 
  • I am more than the glass that improves my sight.
  • Wearing glasses isn't exclusive to a certain 'type' of person.
  • My glasses are really cool but don't take them off my face without asking.
  • I can't fucking see without them.

p.s. I'm not actually this angry, I just have some feelings


  1. No but it's the 'you look better with glasses, you should wear them more often' LIKE, I DON'T THINK THAT IS A COMPLIMENT - IS MY FACE SUB-STANDARD WITHOUT THEM?!

    1. Very that! Or even vice versa; 'why do you wear glasses, you look so much better without them!' Can we just not . . .