I simply cannot support the paper straw industry.
Why am I being made to drink through paper? Do you know what happens to paper when immersed in liquid? It has more of a breakdown than me the night before my dissertation deadline. It's an assault on both ends; my drink dismantles one half and the moist nature of my mouth sees to the other. I'm sure Mother Nature is sobbing nearly as much as I am at the soggy debris that used to be a tree older than Betty White, left floating in my beverage.
"But James, if the straw bothers you so much, why don't you just not use it?" I would if I could, assumed commenter of this rant, believe me! The problems that prevent me are much too great for such a simple solution! An establishment pretentious enough to place paper in a drink is pretentious enough to make the vessel holding said drink some fucking weird jar, making the sweet nectar it contains accessible only by a straw or a humming bird's beak and, since I'm not Birdman, I'm shit out of luck in this Pintrest k-hole.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not against straws at large -- they are the missing link between my love for an icy beverage and the curse of sensitive teeth. And I can appreciate the 'prettiness' of the paper straw, but, do you know what else can have a pretty pattern? Plastic.
I'd honestly prefer drinking my coffee through a beer bong than with a paper straw; at least then I can enjoy it without feeling like I'm repeatedly licking a notepad.
Though, I guess they are very pleasing to the eye...