Friday, 15 July 2016

Boris' New Big Boy Job




Boris zipped along on his Segway, pondering the new big boy job Aunty Theresa had just given him. He didn't understand the fuss everyone was making. Sure, he'd said some silly things, but who hasn't done that before!? It's not his fault he was raised privileged and unaware. What was he meant to do, educate himself? He had more important things to do, like make the kind of difference that made Aunty Theresa give him this big boy job in the first place.

It's like everyone had forgotten about Boris Bikes, thought Boris, they brought London so much closer to those marijuana smoking Dutch! And that wonderful speech about Whiff-Whaff he was allowed to make in front of all those foreigners at that foreign event, that went down a treat too! He'd even quite liked those bloody Commies, shame that Kim Jong-Un gentleman wouldn't let his people go South, Boris pondered, he'd heard the Americans planted a lot of palm trees back in the 70s, it must be lovely this time of year! Ah, and the sushi is simply spectacular!

Boris came to a screeching halt. The cars that had the unfortunate luck of being directly in front of Boris (as Boris liked to be on the right side of the road) had to perform various evasive maneuvers to avoid the new Foreign Secretary, crashing into all the other people that didn't want him to be there. Completely unaware of this, Boris was preoccupied. He'd stopped as he couldn't quite shake the very familiar feeling that he'd gotten something all mixed up. As usual, he ignored this sense that surely would bring around too much thinking (an unproductive measure that would surely encroach on the fun 'doing stuff' time) and pressed his Segway onwards at a slightly-faster-than-walking-pace speed.

Boris was feeling uncomfortable. He'd thought it best to wear protective gear for this outing but also wanted to look cool. To tackle this problem, Boris decided to wear his elbow and knee pads underneath his suit. The pads had started chafing but Boris daren't reveal them at risk of losing his coolness! This predicament reminded him of that pesky EU Referendum a couple weeks back. He'd met Nigel out at the park. Boris was trying to get to the last available swing and bumped into Nigel smoking behind a bush. In the kerfuffle a woman in a headscarf reached the swing first. Nigel made a comment about immigrants stealing everything, which Boris thought strange due to the woman's very strong Cockney accent. Nige (he'd told him he could call him Nige, Boris liked that, although, he preferred his version of calling him the N Dog, but Nige didn't seem to like that one) then continued his explanation, telling Boris how he planned to make Britain 'British' once more and something about giving £350 million to the NHS. Whilst Boris pondered this big number, Nige made a joke about some old Germans having 'the reich idea, if you know what I mean!' Boris, in fact, did not know what he meant. He did, however, want to maintain his budding friendship so chortled an agreeable, 'quite.' Before you knew it Boris was driving around in a big red bus with some choice statements that turned out to be a little bit not true. 'Completely unavoidable if you ask me!' thought Boris, and he remembered how he never even got to try that new breakfast biscuit everyone was talking about. With that, Boris pushed back down all those pesky feelings of regret, just like mummy taught him and carried on.

It was late when he finally arrived at the big black door marked by the number 10, as he'd taken a detour to catch some more Pok√©mon, he had gyms to defend you see. He banged on the door that was soon opened by his Aunty Theresa in her garish leopard print robe and matching slippers. Theresa stared down at the man that looked and acted like a child in his too-big suit and protective gear as he mumbled about peaking and ... did he just sneeze?